My in laws like to make plans for us when we come back to visit. The plan for the day was to go to Numazu port to see the View-o tsunami gate, go to a historical agriculture museum, then go to a public bath and get naked with strangers.

Numazu is a port city with a large fishing industry. View-o is a gate built at the entrance to the Numazu port area. In the event of a tsunami, the gate will lower to protect the port area and its businesses. You can ride an elevator to the top and get some fantastic pictures of the port area, Izu and Mt. Fuji. Due to the incredible heat, everything was hazy and Fuji was not visible.

The port area has narrow streets full of fish shops and restaurants. Himono, sun dried fish, can be seen (and occasionally smelled) all around the area. We ate lunch in a small restaurant that we chose based on the lunch special. They offered a dish called “Numazu Don” which had 2 kinds of fish and tiny shrimp on top of rice. Numazu Don is served with miso soup. I ordered deep fried tiny shrimp with miso sauce over rice, served with miso soup and assorted Japanese pickles. We stuffed ourselves for about ¥1000 per person. For anyone who says eating in Japan is too expensive – you are eating in the wrong places.

We were all moving very slowly in the heat and after the massive lunch, so we skipped the museum and went directly to the public baths. At this point I started getting a bit nervous. I had been to a small public bath before at a Capsule Hotel in Tokyo, and an Onsen at a Ryokan (traditional Japanese inn) so I was familiar with the concept and the rules. However, I had never been to a big neighbourhood public bath before. In the time since living in Japan, my Japanese had gotten quite rusty. Also, The Wife, who is fluently bilingual, would be in the women’s section while I would be with my father in law who speaks no English and about 20 other naked Japanese guys.

When I am nervous or stressed out, my typical defense mechanism is to make jokes. When The Wife handed me the small privacy towel I told her in Japanese that she had made a mistake. She asked why, and I told her the towel was much too big.

I now present Barniferous’s 10 Easy Steps to being a Gaijin men using a public bath in Japan:

1. Go into the locker area, find an empty locker and stash everything except your privacy towel. Yes, everything. You will end up with a small towel in front of your naughty bits and your pasty white butt will be fully exposed (substitute other butt colours as appropriate for you).
2. Wish you had a beer or three first.
3. Follow your naked 73 year old father in law into the washing area. Sit on the bucket and thoroughly wash yourself everywhere. You are about to sit in hot water with other naked dudes, so make sure you are clean and not soapy.
4. Choose a nice indoor bath to start. Put your privacy towel on your head and slowly lower yourself into the 40 degree water. At this point you will realize how many nerve endings you have in your nether regions and how sensitive they are to heat. Understand how a boiled lobster feels.
5. Don’t get confused – just because you are seeing a room full of Wangs does not mean you are suddenly in China.
6. Move to the outdoor tub and then consider the wisdom of your decision to sit in very hot water while it is very hot outside. Awkwardly talk to your father in law until you run out of Japanese.
7. When you start to feel faint, and you will, go to the cold water station and pour icy cold water on your feet. Resist the urge to scream like a girl.
8. Sit in one more tub of incredibly hot water, because you didn’t travel half way around the world to only sit in two tubs of incredibly hot water. Try to ignore the fact that you are the only non-Japanese person in the place. Also try to ignore the many, many penises.
9. After cooking yourself for a sufficient time, go to the washing area and wash yourself again.
10. Return to the locker, get dressed, then go have a nice cold beer, you earned it. Nurse the beer because your wife and mother in law will be another hour.